my last day

If today would be my last day, I would never want to die.
Because today I'm doing nothing.
Nothing useful.
Nothing of all the MANY THINGS I should do but I don't want to.
I'm blocked.

Maybe I'm anxious about a national competition I'll partecipate in 12 days: if I'll pass, I could change my life. But there isn't good chance: we are more than 80.000 people for 11.000 positions (teachers). But maybe in my region and for my subject the chances are even less.

And if I pass it, I would be happy? That would really be the solution to my neverending dissatisfaction? I don't know.

I never know nothing, but I'm not a teenager. All the other people seem to know very well what they want, but not me. All the other people seem to pursue a goal, but not me.
I'm always insecure: I thought it would have change with the age, but it isn't so.